May it be our "Worst Vacation Ever"

We were in ptown last week for our vaca, Saturday to Saturday. We’re hoping it’s the worst one we ever have.

Within an hour of getting into our condo, we locked ourselves out. (File under: "Do you have the key?" and "You're not listening to me!!!") We decided the fastest solution to our little problem was to break in. Basically, with very little effort, I pushed the livingroom screen into the house. I got down on all-fours in the bushes and Sue stepped on my back, sat "in the window," and scooched her way backward onto a table under the window. This was all done from the vantage point of the front lawn, so we showed everyone in the neighborhood how easy it is to break into this unit.

Because I wasn’t sure if what I was crouching in was poisonous or not, I showered in the icky shower. (It could have benefited from some bleach or at least a little elbow grease.) When I got out, I walked across the rug and put my foot up on the sink to dry my leg. I noticed my foot was covered in fur… in our “pet free” condo. We found the lease for the week 2 weeks prior to our stay on the table that outlined an additional $100 fee for a dog to reside there. I am not at all convinced this was dog fur, but cat fur. Maybe they'll slyly brought a cat with them. Or at the very least, a VERY fluffy dog. Either way, we’re both quite allergic to cats, and somewhat allergic to dogs.

While I was showering, Sue was on an Easter egg hunt of sorts, searching our tiny little condo and unplugging about 8 different air-fresheners. We’re highly allergic to airfresheners, too.

Within a few hours, I was feeling wheezy and congested.

By Monday, I had an itchy throat.

By Wednesday, I had bronchitis. Thursday and Friday I was downright miserable. I slept on the beach. Oh, yeah, let’s not forget that I had nightmares everynight:

Saturday: My childhood home was washed away in a big flood because the Army Corps of Engineers were dredging the river and didn’t have a clue what they were doing

Sunday: A friend of mine was in a bad car accident and shattered both legs

Monday: I was living by myself in my old apt bldg in Somerville. I was getting ready for work so I was ½ naked> A man broke into my apt, got a knife and was chasing me around while I tried to hold him at bay with a chair. I kept yelling for someone to call the cops, but as my work hours are later than everyone else’s, no one was there to help me. Sue woke me up because I was shaking & whimpering.

Tueday: I ran into the family of a former co-worker who killed himself (for real). I knew it was his family because his brother looked exactly like him in my dream and it was very odd and uncomfortable.

Ok, that’s not everynight, but close enough. Sue discovered that the lot near our condo with the demolished remains of an old house on it was on the haunted house tour. She thinks that’s why I had bad dreams, that an evil spirit influenced my state of mind in my dreams, but I don’t believe in ghosts.

Let's return to the beginning of our stay. On Sunday morning, we ate breakfast & went to the gym. We left our plates, on which we had had muffins, in the sink with a few stray crumbs. When we returned, the entire sideboard was swarming with ants.

Some time during the week, Sue lost the holster for her cell phone. Before leaving, we searched the condo again, high and low, and never found it. We did, however, find a gigantic tumbleweed of (cat ~ I insist!) fur behind the bureau in the bedroom. I could have knit 6 cats from the fur!!!

Oh, and the air conditioner! There were plenty of windows in the unit, but only 3 had screens. Only the small, octagonal window in the kitchen had a screen that fit well. The other 2 fit poorly, bowing out away from the windows, and were riddled with holes (and were very easy to remove to break in, as established above). Because Sue didn’t want to get chewed alive by mosquitoes, we generally opted for the air-conditioner. As the week progressed, we figured out that I did better, was able to breath better, with natural air vs. the a/c. Upon further examination, the intake filter was… stuffed with fur, dust, and crap and needed to be cleaned. I tried but be I’ll be damned I couldn’t get the front off, and was too sick to fight with it or figure it out. The output vents looked like they were coated with mold & mildew. (My old job/office, all over again!) No wonder I got so sick!!!

I forgot to mention this, too! The week BEFORE vacation, Sue had sprained her ankle . On our first night in Ptown, Lynette Molnar, the owner of the Pied, was kind enough to let us in for free. Most likely because she’s seen us there so very often. We’ve paid our share of covers, and I generally dance my butt off. We protested getting in for free, but she smiled and said, “Just dance.” (It’s good for business you know… a busy dance floor). So we danced a lot… as much as Sue could take. The rest of the week, her ankle was the size of a watermelon! Ok, maybe a grapefruit, but she’s got nicely-toned legs, so it looked HUGE.

Good things about vaca:

I read “Water for Elephants” in a day and a half. EXCELLENT book.

Drag Bingo & the parade (as always, but I was beat).

Good food & drink.

Campfire (except the smoke exacerbated my cold)

We taught our couch monkey, Monkey, some new phrases. (You don't have a couch monkey??) Amanda and Cindy, our British pals, will enjoy these: “Provincetown. Fleabag. Sick!!!!” Ok, they weren’t in a fleabag, but they did get sick in Ptown. Upon their return to Brighton, Monkey comforted Cindy as she recuperated on the couch.

Now that we’re home and in fur-free quarters, I am recovering much faster than I do from my usual colds. Thank Monkey!