The Incident at St Denis

I got the warning last week.

It came in the form of an e-mail from my mother, carrying an attachment. A heterosexual couple, parents of 8 children, had written a letter to the editor of the Bangor Daily News. They were upset that the Catholic Church was sending representatives to each church in the state to coerce parishoners into signing postcards urging their congressional representatives to support a proposed Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.

Mom called our house yesterday and left a message. She sounded upset. She said she thought she should talk to me about what had been going on up there all week. This is the best I can recall of the story from our conversation.

In the week leading up to "Postcard Sunday," my parents called the woman who serves as the Pastoral Assistant at my parent's parish. They asked her to not allow the postcarding at our church, saying it would be a bad idea. I'm not so sure she had a choice. I believe this initiative was conceived by the Knights of Columbus and endorsed by the Bishop. Or, it could have been the other way around.... Either way, I'm not sure the woman had much say in whether or not this activity could take place.

As I understand it, my parents arrived at church at different times. I know this to frequently be the case as Dad sings in the choir. The choir sometimes practices prior to mass, so Mom usually arrives after Dad. But in their rapid-fire narrative, it sounded as though Mom was there earlier this time. Perfect strangers shipped in to do the nefarious deed greeted Mom at the door of her church, and she carried through with her plan.

"I ripped it up and handed it back to the person. I could have been vindictive and ripped it into a thousand tiny pieces and thrown it on the floor, but I was nice about it." She then went to her pew and began her prayers. From there, I believe, she heard the ruckus.

It gets even fuzzier here. They were both talking at once; my head was spinning.

Dad, too, was greeted by the strangers at the door. I believe his words were that there "was some shoving going on"* and that he thinks "they're regretting that now." He also said "a lot of words were exchanged. A lot of very LOUD words." I'm wondering how appropriate those words were for church.

I am assuming that it was a bit early, well before the mass, and being a holiday weekend the church was probably not packed. Greedily, I wish it had been packed. I wonder how many of my parent's neighbors would rethink their feelings on the issue after witnessing such a commotion and the very real pain the church and other backward thinkers put upon my parents, whether the issue is marriage or the non-discrimination law that took so damn long to pass. My parents are well-liked and respected in the church. Many of these people know me, and genuinely seem happy to see me when I go home. Certainly they should now I am not the enemy!

Dad yelled out into the sanctuary, "Come on Jan, I guess we're done here!" She got up out of her pew and they left.

They said they were pretty much done with the Catholic Church.

My feelings are so very mixed. I knew from a young age ~ I am a non believer, and I don't at all associate that with my struggles against the world's attitudes about my sexual orientation. I just don't believe in a supreme being. I do believe in human kindness, compassion and social justice. That is the core of my faith. I believe in nature, the woods, the air, the life force of water. Although my views sometimes cross paths with Catholicism, opposing the death penalty, war, famine, poverty, supporting immigrant's rights, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I feel a bit irritated when I find myself in agreement with the pope. I knew early on that Catholicism was simply contrary to my faith. I know my soul to be imperfect, but I struggle to be a compassionate being. My sexual orientation is a gift FROM ... well, I just said I don't believe in a supreme being. It's a gift from the cosmic universe, a wonderful, delightful part of my me-ness. I am a pro-choice lesbian feminist. I do not believe that one person has a closer relationship with a higher power than another, because, well, I don't belive in a higher power. Catholicism & I... we just don't mix.

The most heated arguments I remember having with my parents as a teen surrounded my anger and frustration at having to attend mass and CCD classes. Why did I have to go? Although I never blurted out, "But I'm a lesbian!" I do do recall yelling, "I'm not Catholic!" at my father once. Like most kids, however, I lived with the "while you're under my roof" rules, and my parent's faith and religion were very important to them, and it was important to them that their faith, their rock, be instilled in me.

I am very sad for THEM, and find myself thinking, "I wish it were easier for them." Those are thoughts we take turns having, I'm sure. In this instance, while their faith has not been damaged, they have said adieu to their religion. As Dad said, he feels like he's "gone up a rung" in his Christianity. This has caused them great pain, though, and I'm surprised at my own reaction of "I guess we're ALL not Catholic anymore." It's like I've been sitting in a chair and someone suddenly breaks off a leg. Part of my historical identity has been tampered with.

St Denis Catholic Church was established in Fort Fairfield in 1842. As the Redikers were the 6th family to land in town, according to "the book" ("A History of Fort Fairfield" or something like that), I'm sure my family has been tied to that parish for a very long time. Included in that history, I know my parents were married there; my sister and I were baptised, had our first communions and were confirmed there; my father and I sang in the choir together; I offered readings at mass; my family was involved in delivering gift baskets at Christmas; my Gram and Uncle Phil's funerals were there. I remember my Mom's confirmation, as she converted well after my parents married. I have a wonderful memory of a Halloween Party there when I was VERY young, and many of the St. Patrick's Day Fairs at the KC Hall. I'm fairly sure that there were hundreds of other such sacraments received and events attended by my family, as the Redikers were quite... prodigious. I know my parents are God Parents and have served as Confirmation Sponsors. (Poor Brandon. What do you do when your God Parents abandon the Church?) As much as I resent the Catholic Church, I do feel a rootedness about St Denis, and a momentary melencholy about chopping it off. But given my parents' faith and history with the Church, I'm sure their pain is even greater. Something that meant so much to them, offered them such support, was now attacking one of their children, slandering my identity and attempting to make my life more difficult and burdensome by prohibiting me from enjoying the 1000+ rights and responsibilities that come with legal marriage.

My parents are going away on their annual anniversary vacation to Bar Harbor. They need a break. When they get back, they're going to think about their options. Forego church? Forgive the Church? Research other churches and faiths? They raved when the Episopaleans installed Bishop Gene Robinson. Perhaps they'll give them a chance. They have many friends that attend that Church. They don't think there's a UU up there.

Since "Postcard Sunday," my sister has written a FANTASTIC letter to Fr. Labrie. She forwarded it to the Bishop and the head of the Knights of Columbus. I wouldn't expect to get anywhere with them. At Christmas mass, they look downright creepy/scary in their black suits with red lined capes, black Napoleanic hats trimmed in white... what is it, feather boa?? I mean, these are the guys who pissed me off and made me want to send "Catholics for Choice" a several $K donation (if I had such chump change to throw around) when they installed a tombstone on the front lawn of St Denis to memorialize aborted fetuses. Nik said she's going to send it to all the priests and Knights of Columbus groups in ME. Shall we take up a collection for her supplies and postage??

My aunt and Godmother Lorna wrote Letter to the Editor of the Bangor Daily News herself after The Incident. Get out of the way, the Redikers pissed, and they're warming up.

It all just reinforces for me the realization of how lucky I am. I haven't had to endure a life-threatening illness or other grave personal misfortune to know how lucky I am. I know my family "has my back." In the 90's, my family was out there fighting the anti-gay referendas. They were proud of their church then for not endorsing bigotry. But now, they've left their church for its attempts to burden my life, deprive my partner and me of rights, responsibilities, joy and comfort.

Whoever tried to hand my Dad that postcard probably didn't anticipate any resistence from a 61-year-old man entering a Catholic church. Indeed, if they were, let's say rather enthusiastic about making sure my Dad did his Catholic duty and forced one upon him, they found him to be rather SOLID and DETERMINED 61-year-old man. I know his strength and determination. There is no safer place than in my Dad’s arms, close to his heart, knowing he, my Mom, my whole family "have my back."


*I've had some clairification on that now. Dad had said "push" as in he was "pushed too far." There was no actual physical pushing.